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Today [Jul. 26th, 2006|09:12 pm]
bonua
[Current Mood |aggravatedaggravated]

I went to the dog park, and that took my mind off things. It seems whenever I remind myself of things that bother me, such as three girls that get on my nerves, I lose my appitite, and I don't want to eat. I'm supposed to be fasting. I did so well, only 60 calories of chikcen broth which holds me over and brings down my hunger cravings. Then for dinner I had a salad, when I'm FASTING, I couldn't help it, it was just so...good looking, so I had a small one, so today I had a total of 177 calories, but I might as well just round it to a fucking 180. I feel so fat. How am I supposed to be fasting if I keep doing this? I wish I could go days without eating like I used to. I remember the first two days were always gruling, but then I would pan out, and everything would be okay. The only thing is I didn't have alot of energy at school, which was a problem. At least school distracts me from eating. I hope for it to start soon so I can continue to keep my mind on other things. Anyways, tomarrow I have to watch a three year old and a one year old. I can't be tired for that, they are going to need my full attention, so I will probably eat something like a peach before I go over. I don't want to be passing out when they need me the most =S. At least I'm only sitting for two hours. I hope they are napping the whole time, because I don't feel like changing any diapers.
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Morning [Jul. 26th, 2006|09:25 am]
bonua
I just woke up, and my favorite time of day to weigh myself is in the morning so I know how much I need to excersise today. I lost two pouns as of two days ago. I now weigh 124 pounds. I'm going to start an all liquid fast today, up until saturday. I've never been able to perfect my fasts, and I need to prove to myself I can do it. So I have to hold strong this week. I have to promise myself no food, so right here I am making a vow that I will not eat anything until saturday. Thats only four days I have to go without food, and I promise myself I wont go out with anyone, because whenever I do they always want to go get something to eat. What am I supposed to say? "Uhh, sorry, I can't get something to eat, I'm on a fast.". Everytime my friends find out I don't eat anything they get all "MAUWIE'S ANOREXIC!" on me. I hate it, then they give me a speech, "You wont lose weight that way, plus you are doing it the unhealthy way, blah blah.". Honestly I don't care. I want to be down to 96 pounds by the time school starts, so I have to start right now.
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Beautiful People [Jul. 25th, 2006|10:28 pm]
bonua
Alright, so I feel nothing like the subject, I just have that song stuck in my head sung by Marilyn Manson. I went college visiting, and the college looks really nice, and from what I hear, it is alot of fun. Aha, they have like on campus hide and seek, seriously, it was like bringing back all of my lovely childhood memories. Anyways, my guide on campus was very hott if I might say, he was going to be a senior at MUC, and he showed me his favorite hiding place, aha. Today was going so effing well. My parents wanted to go out for lunch, so I got this chicken and lettice thing and i only ate about 1/3 of it which much have been about 200 calories. Then for dinner I had a salad, which must have been 150 calories. THEN we were going to the movies, well I didn't get anything, then my mum who is "on a diet" goes and buys some popcorn -_-. I was so mad at her munching on it next to me. Long story short, I ended up eating half the bag. I am so discusted with myself. It probably wouldn't have been that bad, but it had butter on it, which made it horrible, then she had these gummy snacks, and I ate them, I am so ashamed of myself. I might go make myself throw up after everyone is in bed. I've never done it before so I'm a little nervous I will get caught, and I promised myself I would never do it, but I feel their is no other choice. I'm going to fast until saturday no matter what. I've been getting terrible headaches, and I usually get them when I dont eat, but these have been like unbarable, my mum thinks its because of my sinuses, because I can feel it near my nose as well. I'm just worried its a cavity, I hate my dad drilling on my teeth (yes hes a lisenced dentist with his own dentistry).
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Dreams [Jul. 24th, 2006|11:02 pm]
bonua
So anyways, lately I have been having the weirdest dreams you could possibly think of. Two nights ago, I was so excited about being a senior, and going to college soon that I dreamt the seniors were giving the freshmen their initiation into high school. Dumbledore was the pricipal, and I was close to him, like Harry Potter is close to him. We were playing a game that resembled chess, and Dumbledore told me I wouldn't be able to defeat him. I got mad, and pushed his set off the table, and he told me I needed to work on my emotions, and I am the one but I need to practice more or something, anyways, it was completely random and meaningless. Then I went over and I was the lead to giving the freshmen their initiation, being the leader of our class and all. Thats all I could remember from that, besides flying over a giant swimming pool, aha.

Last night I had a dream about my ex-best friend's of which is very dear to me, and I miss her so much. We were best friends again, and everything was satisfied between us, with no more fighting. We were on the swim team togather again, and their was only four people on it, and the lanes were really small, and we only swam like four laps before practice was over, instead of the usual 80 we swim in real life. Then we went to go check on a birds nest that we were watching over, and all of the baby birds were dead. At first we were sad, but then we discovered a litter of baby kittens that had killed the birds, well, we both love cats, and we were happy to see the little critters. The weird part was I was watching the show Gotti a few days ago, and I was their little sister, but in real life, I think I'm older then like two of the boys xD. Then the dream changed very randomly, it was like watching a horror movie. I wasn't apart of the dream, but I was watching it like a movie. A man's wife had died from a disease about ten years ago, and he was living in a house with his fourteen year old daughter, and his brother. He went into the bathroom, and the power was out, he wanted to talk to his wife, he had a picture of his daughter in his hands, and he wanted to show his wife how much their child grew, but the power was out, so he knew the spirit of his wife couldn't see the picture. So he took a flashlight, so he could shine it on the picture just for a second, so his wife could see. He sat in the corner of the bathroom near the window, and turned on the flashlight on the picture, and he looked over into the kitchen window, which he could see from the bathroom window, and saw the outline of an alien like the one from Signs. He turned off the flashlight hoping the alien didn't see him, and he tried to sneak out of the bathroom, so he, his brother and his daughter could sneak out of the house without being seen. But when he left the bathroom, he forgot about the door, and it slamed shut, and he ran to the people in his house, trying to get them out of the house as quickly as possible. For some reason they knew the alien was going into the room they were in, so they were going to sneak around into the kitchen, but the alien saw them. The daughter was screaming, and the father was running, with his brother at his side, to get them all safely out of the house, but the father tripped in the living room, and he held onto his brothers foot, telling him not to leave him, but the alien was walking up to the father, so the brother ran with the daughter. For some reason the father couldn't get up, and the alien walked up to him while he watched from the floor. Then the alien said the word "punishment" in an eerie raspy voice, and I think he choked the father to death, but I'm not sure, because I woke up. It scared the crap out of me xD. I didn't want to fall back asleep, because I was afraid the dream was going to continue, and now I'm freaking myself out sitting here thinking about the dream -shudders-.

Today I did okay, but I feel as if lately I have been doing terrible. I've tried to lose weight this summer, but it's so hard when my friends want me to go out with them to go get a pizza or smoothie. I sometimes get out of it by making up lies, but I feel guilty lying to my friends like that, so sometimes I will just go with them, and try to eat as little as possible. Tomarrow I'm going college visiting to a college called mount union. I heard it's really nice and fun their. Everyone that has gone their that I have talked to tell me it was their favorite college they were ever at, and that they absolutely loved it. I really want to go their, but it's a private school, so I don't know if we will be able to afford it, it cost about $11,000 more then my brothers college, which is a big deal to my parents.
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-_- [May. 24th, 2006|10:00 pm]
bonua
Ugh, what the hell is wrong with me? I was supposed to be fasting today, but my mum was watching me all day, so it was really hard. I told her I had a salad for lunch which was a lie. Then we went to the store, and she made me pick out something to eat. I got a lean cuisine which was 280 calories...some chicken thing. It wasn't that bad, but when we got home, my mum made me eat one of the vally nature bars or whatever which was 180 calories. Then I got addicted, and ate two more. Ugh. I feel so fat, and horrible. I planned to fast. That is exactly the reason why i hate going out with people, because they always make me end up eating, and I don't want to, but they watch me like a hawk. I want to throw up, but I've never done it before, and I hate puking. Especially since my mum is sitting out the couch right now, and she could see me typing this message. But not only that, I ate over 500 calories. I hate myself right now. I was supposed to be fasting, and here I am with a full stomach. The thing is, I hate being full. I like being hungry and dizzy. I'm not eating anything the rest of the week, just plain water for me. I did 126 jumping jacks and I walked 5 blocks. But that still doesn't make up for how much I ate today.
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. [May. 23rd, 2006|04:55 pm]
bonua
[Current Mood |blahblah]

So far today has been good. Yesterday I started my fast, and I'm actually not hungry. My dad found these leg weight things thats you tie around your ankle, and apparently it is supposed to give you a workout. I've worn them for about an hour now, and my left ankle kills xD. I'm trying to find a picture to post, but the one I found I don't like. I look so fat in it, my cheeks are so chubby D=. At least my dog looks good in it. I also need to make more avatars for this account...I have one almost done, I'll post them when I finish. I love making them because...I have too much time on my hands, if any of you want one I will make you one. Just tell me exactly what you want:*. Sooo, I haven't weighed myself today, I'm a bit nervous, I might wait until friday to see if I reached my goal, and if I haven't, I'm just going to fast even longer. When I got home I had a diet root beer, which isn't like me because I don't even like soda, does anyone know which is better for you, diet coke or root beer? I hope all of you are doing well, and I wish you the best of luck.
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Cartoons [May. 22nd, 2006|04:55 pm]
bonua
Ever notice how in cartoons, all the skinny characters are the bright astonishing ones that everybody loves? Then sometimes they have the side charactors, and occasionally they have fat ones. The fat ones are always the stupid ones, and they are at the butt of pretty much every joke. It's just...our society is built like this and it's almost as if you are fat, you are meant to be stupid, or put at the bottom, below everyone else. I don't think I ever saw a cartoon where the main charactor was fat, loved and smart.

Well, I just wanted to point that out :*. So far I did't eat anything today, as I started my all liquid fast, anyone can join me if they would like. I'm hoping to go until friday. My stats are still the same 120...I really want to get down to 115 by friday.
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Bite me [May. 21st, 2006|11:24 am]
bonua
So anyways, I was invited to go out with a bunch of friends to Ashland college. I knew their would be eating involved, so I was very hesitant about going. We were spending the night at Mrs. Kennick's house, and she has tons of junk food including chocolate covered oreos -drools-. I didn't show up to her house until 10:30 at night, so it was too late to eat anyways. The next morning I didn't have breakfast, which was a plus. Then after we went to college, my fat friend goes "Are we going out to eat? I'm hungry and I have my own money." God dammit, why did she even ahve to say that? So we decided to go to Bob Evans, and of course it would have looked extremely suspicious if I didn't get anything, so I go this egg thing that was totaly discusting.

At least that was one of the only things I ate. Why do these feelings keep on overpowering me? I can't help it though, I am so damn fat. I hate fat people. My mum think's I might be getting sick in the head, because I think that some movie stars she thinks are absolutely brop dead gorgeous skinny, I think them fat. Such as Manny from degrassi...and Paige. They are fatter then other people on the show.

Sometimes I don't understand it. That fat girl I mentioned earlier always talks about how she needs to lose weight. And she even told me that she gets depressed and cut's her wrist because her life is so fucked up, and she is so damn fat. Then why the hell won't she make an effort to lose weight? I mean, she stuffs her face with marcaroni and cheese, cookies, and is contantly eating gum. I don't think I ever saw her eat vegetables except for the time she came over MY house, and she asked me if we had anything to eat, and I POINTED her to the fucking vegetables. Even then she used the dip. She is so fucking fat, and she won't even make an effort to eat right or lose weight. It makes me sick. She should get up off her fat ass and run a mile. I remember in self defense class we had to run a mile for our final exam, and she got a B on it. I mean, seriously, ALL we had to do was run a mile under 12 minutes and we get an A. But no, she has to run over that amount of time, which was plenty of time to get an A, and yet she got a B, because her fat held her back. I don't know, it just bothers me on how much she complains about her weight and she won't even make an effort to lose the flab.

I hope in the future to acheive my ultimate goal. I know how I want to shape my body, and I will acheive it. My mum and friends better not get in the way like they did previous times. It pisses me off "I didn't see Mauwie eat anything today!" Then a damn teacher comes over and has a long talk with me. At least Rach doesn't say anything, I'm sad to hear she is moving though =/. she is partially my motivation. She must not weigh more than 85 pounds. I will miss her so much, I heart her to death, and she is such a good friend.
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