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control [Aug. 1st, 2006|06:54 pm]
I want to feel like I am getting in complete control over everything. I don't have control over anything, so this is at least the one thing I need. I'm so tired of feeling fat. I've never felt skinny no matter how much weight I lose. I hate it, it's like I put all this time and effort into this fat that I have on my body, and nothing ever comes off. Yesterday I must have eaten about 380 calories. I excersized my butt off, so hopefully I burned a few something. I started doing morning routine exercises. My only fear is I wont have enough time to do them before school starts, which will throw me off schedual. The good thing is that I will have my mind on other things rather then my mind on resisting those three chocolate bars she keeps in the freezer. I'm getting close to just throwing them down the garbage disposal, and telling my mum I ate them. Today I did okay, I had a salad, which was fine, because I didn't eat anything fattening that was put on it. Then I had a sandwich for lunch that I'm absolutely regretting. I know the contents in it were not fattening at all, they must have been at the most 100 calories, but then each slice of bread was 130 calroies, and I put in the two smallest peices. So overall today I think I had 400 callories. I'm so discusted with myself. I wish I didn't eat it, it didn't even taste that good. It just filled me up. I went walking today, but its so damn hot out, I almost passed out, and I had a really bad headache while trying to do my daily exercises, jumping jacks and crunches. I couldn't do that many because I nearly felt I was going to pass out. Right now I'm totally full, and I hate the way I feel. I miss being skinny. I like being in my own messed up dizzy world. I don't mind being way out of it, and feeling like constantly passing out, and forgetting about everything. I like being by myself. I find myself blowing my friends off more and more often. They aren't that great to me anyways. I know they lie to me. I know they make things up. "My father wont take me to go visit college." To make me fell bad for her. That is a load of bull, I know for a fact that her mum and dad have been taking her off, even my mum said they lie to me, and I know they do it. I'm sick of them. I don't need people who are dishonest.