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(no subject) [May. 11th, 2008|08:43 pm]
bonua
I haven't been on here in a while... But what I did today made me think of this group and all of the people on here, struggling like me. I purged...for the first time this semester. I thought I was doing well...as in getting rid of anorexia, but I guess not. I'm still ashamed at myself for doing it, but at the same time I'm releaved. I've had anorexia since freshmen year of high school, and I thought I got rid of it before freshmen year of college, the first semester. I got a ton of help (as my mom always gets me), but this time it really seemed gone. Being at college...I felt really good about myself. But I guess it's true...what they say, it never really leaves you. Even though I 'got out' of anorexia, I always still counted calories. I think I just lied to myself, telling myself I was cured. The last time I purged was when I went to the frat party (alot of my friends live in a frat house), and I purposly drank over my limit so I would purge unvolentarily. Anyways, today I was forced to eat peanut butter...granted it was only about a teaspoons worth, I felt so guilty about it I went over and forced myself to purge, then afterwards, I cried to myself, because I'm little and pathetic. Anyways...I guess what I'm saying is I'm back on here...on this site. And thats my epiphany.

Stats:
Age:19
HW:140
CW:I haven't looked...no scales at college, and too afraid to weigh myself
LW:110...ish. I've been lower, but I don't know the exact amount
GW:96...as it always has been
Height:5' 1 3/4"
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(no subject) [Jun. 24th, 2007|09:07 pm]
bonua
SO, I just came home from work, and my mom actually showed up in my store and confronted me about what I was going to eat for dinner. I was so embarrased, because alot of really hott guys work with me, and they all stood there and looked at me as if I was some freak, having my mom come in and ask me what I'm going to eat. I said "I don't know" casusally, so I wouldn't look anymore stupid, and then she says "We are having hamburgers for dinner, I want you to eat one and it HAS to have cheese on it.".

You know what the guys do in the store? They usually work in the back, so they talk about the girls and rate them. They even have a 'top 5' list of the prettiest girls in the whole store. I tried to pry it out of them numerous times of whether or not I'm on it, but they won't tell me. I want to be on the top 5, and to acheive that, I have to be thin. I want my bones to stick out.

Anyways, what I ate today so far was a small peach, and a very small banana (No joke, this banana was tiny), and when I got home, my mom made this green bean salad with walnuts in it. I had a small bowl full of that and ate it in front of both her and my dad, so they will think I'm eating. The good thing was I was gone all day, so they have no idea whether I ate or not. I hope thats all I eat today, as of right now, I am one pound away from my goal weight. And my weigh in is on monday. Sooo, I usually weigh less in the morning than at night (It depends on how much I drink). I really think I can pull this off, if I do, then I will have lost 6.9 pounds this week. If I'm not my goal weight by tomorrow I will fast all day, so I will be by tuesday. Then I will have to set a new goal weight for the following monday, I'm thinking 124...which I know I can easily acheive.
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(no subject) [Aug. 23rd, 2006|04:47 pm]
bonua
I know I haven't been on in a long time. It's been horrible of me. I've been off my diet for about a week and a half, and I now weigh almost 124. School starts tomarrow, so I am so happy I will have something to keep my mind off of food, and far away from it. I have lunch fourth period this year. It's about 10:30 in the morning, so it's a perfect excuse to say I'm not hungry. before I went off my diet I weight about 119. I kept going between 119 and 120. I still wasn't satisfied. I don't know what made me go off. But in a way I am glad I did this. It gave me the realization. I hate being full. It's possibly one of the worst feelings out their. I love being hungry. Being hungry helps me feel better about myself. Being full just gives me a stomach ache. I absolutely hate food now. I feel like I can go further then I have ever gone before now.
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(no subject) [Aug. 13th, 2006|09:08 pm]
bonua
Today was okay. I didn't do as good as I know I didn't do as good as I could have, because I ate just about 500 calories. I'm not sure if I went over, because I can only estimate the amount of calories my salad was =). But I'm not going to beat myself up about it, because all in all, I ate a decent amount for having my parents around the house.

Today I went shopping at a very high class village. They had tons of dark windows, so I could see myself in them easily. My mum got ice cream, and I was able to resist. I had a salad at the cheesecake factory (yum, I used to get this really good (german I think?) chocolate cake before I had an ED).

When we got home, I was really cranky, so I took my dogs to the dog park and ran with them for about an hour, so I got some excersise. The only bad thing was when I got home, my mum made me cook the hot dogs (they were fat free =o!) for dinner. I had no problem doing the grill and all that, I wasn't having cravings, just headaches xD. When I was done cooking them, my mum asked me how many I was having. I said I didn't know...just one I guess. She told me I should have at least two, with a bun and ketchup D=. What was I supposed to say to that? She was with me the whole day, so she knew how much I ate. I was like "Nooo I'll be fine with just one with mustard". I don't even like mustard, but their is no calories in it =P. Well, she yelled at me, and we can with an agreement to two hot dogs with no bun and no ketchup. It wasn't that bad because it only has 120 calories per hot dog, the only bad thing about it though is I think shes starting to suspect me not eating much. I shouldn't have argued with her, because her suspicions are probably higher.

On a good note for today though, yesterday I did 20 miles of bike riding, because my dad is like a bike freak, and he likes to go about 40-60 miles a day, which gives good reason to go out and get exercise so I can ride far with him. This morning when I woke up, I weighed between 117 and 118. That was the least I've weighed in about 4 years, so I'm really excited about that =D. I'm only about 3 pounds away from my goal before school, and I still have 2 weeks. Reaching this will be no problem, maybe I should change my goal to 110 to motivate me. Mmkay, I should sum this up. I hope all of you are reaching your goals before school, and good luck =).
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(no subject) [Aug. 12th, 2006|12:12 am]
bonua
Today was kinda a bad day for me =S. When I woke up, my tiny birdie (named bird) was lying at the bottom of his cage, dead of course D=. I was so upset. I feel so sorry for my other bird, because shes all lonely now. It's weird, because bird didn't act unusual last night. I've had him for a long time...he was kinda old, but still, life is so short =/. To relieve stress, I went shopping with my mum. I felt horrible today, I didn't eat as good as I should have, but its not like I binged. Trying on clothes reminded me my of my goals. At least I still have my other bird, and my two puppies. The bad thing was I had chocolate. I felt alot happier after I had some though =D. Anyways, at the mall in Hot Topic I saw a button I almost baught to scan. It said "Only ugly people say being beautiful on the inside counts." ...something along those lines, I can't remember exactly. Anyways, I hope all of you had a better day then I had.
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(no subject) [Aug. 10th, 2006|10:03 pm]
bonua
I feel like such a terrible person right now. Today I had a total of around 440 calories today. I thought, okay, I did pretty good. I've been having major cravings all week, and I was still hungry, so I thought I didn't reach my calorie limit, so maybe I could eat some corn. Well, I did just then, then the jello I made earlier was in the fridge. It's fat free, low in calories, so I ate that. But my cravings were still their. Normally I can resist them, but anyways, to make a long story short, I ate some of those low fat lays potatoe chips, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Now my cravings are gone, but I feel so fat. I can't belive I just ate bread and peanutbutter. While I was making it, I knew I was going to regret it. Ugh. I want my dad to leave so I can get rid of it. I always told myself I would never result in purging, but I feel like the only way to make me feel better is just that.

I don't know =/. Usually I'm so strong. I don't know what happened.
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(no subject) [Aug. 3rd, 2006|05:39 pm]
bonua
anyways, sorry I didn't post for like two days. I'm starting again tomarrow, seriously. I feel I did so bad this week. I think it's harder because my parents are home. When they aren't next week, everything will be fine. Its not like I did so bad though, like I ate all low fat, and tried to eat as little as possible, but I've been having both lunch and dinner, which is annoying. I don't want to eat two meals a day. I miss being in my own dizzy world. I will probably work my way down to a fast next week.
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New user [Aug. 2nd, 2006|10:51 am]
bonua
[Current Mood |sleepysleepy]

I need to think of a new user name to use on live journal x3. Anyways, I need to go take a shower, and I just feel like being lazy today. I don't know why, but I know I will force myself to do some floor excersises, and at least run. I'm still feeling bad about what happened this weekend =/. I'm trying to forget. Then yesterday I had a sandwich. I think I will go let the dogs in, and then hop into the shower. I can't wait for tonight, so I can finish watching V for vendetta :*. It's one of my favorite movies, I recomend everyone to watch it. Unless of course you are 12 years old or something. This morning I weighed 122 AGAIN. It's annoying, I think this weekend really did me in. My mum said I ate hardly anything this weekend, but I feel like a cow, having all breakfast lunch and dinner for two days in a row. I hate college visiting for that reason. Everyone wants to eat. Yesterday I drove through Kent's college campus, it makes MUC and OU look like heaven. I hate Kent, and I refuse to go their. I really wish MUC wasn't a private school, it's not fair its so expensive compaired to other colleges. I think that it my first choice, then OU at a close second. MUC only has a total of 2,000 students, compaired to OU's 20,000.

-And I wanted to try this, forgive me if it doesn't work properly
[link=http://www.3fatchicks.com/weight-tracker/] [image noborder]http://www.3fatchicks.net/img/heartbar/slider-hearts/lb/140/115/122/.png[/image][/link]
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control [Aug. 1st, 2006|06:54 pm]
bonua
I want to feel like I am getting in complete control over everything. I don't have control over anything, so this is at least the one thing I need. I'm so tired of feeling fat. I've never felt skinny no matter how much weight I lose. I hate it, it's like I put all this time and effort into this fat that I have on my body, and nothing ever comes off. Yesterday I must have eaten about 380 calories. I excersized my butt off, so hopefully I burned a few something. I started doing morning routine exercises. My only fear is I wont have enough time to do them before school starts, which will throw me off schedual. The good thing is that I will have my mind on other things rather then my mind on resisting those three chocolate bars she keeps in the freezer. I'm getting close to just throwing them down the garbage disposal, and telling my mum I ate them. Today I did okay, I had a salad, which was fine, because I didn't eat anything fattening that was put on it. Then I had a sandwich for lunch that I'm absolutely regretting. I know the contents in it were not fattening at all, they must have been at the most 100 calories, but then each slice of bread was 130 calroies, and I put in the two smallest peices. So overall today I think I had 400 callories. I'm so discusted with myself. I wish I didn't eat it, it didn't even taste that good. It just filled me up. I went walking today, but its so damn hot out, I almost passed out, and I had a really bad headache while trying to do my daily exercises, jumping jacks and crunches. I couldn't do that many because I nearly felt I was going to pass out. Right now I'm totally full, and I hate the way I feel. I miss being skinny. I like being in my own messed up dizzy world. I don't mind being way out of it, and feeling like constantly passing out, and forgetting about everything. I like being by myself. I find myself blowing my friends off more and more often. They aren't that great to me anyways. I know they lie to me. I know they make things up. "My father wont take me to go visit college." To make me fell bad for her. That is a load of bull, I know for a fact that her mum and dad have been taking her off, even my mum said they lie to me, and I know they do it. I'm sick of them. I don't need people who are dishonest.
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Strawberries [Jul. 27th, 2006|11:21 pm]
bonua
Mmkay, I have to make this short and sweet because my computer is dying, and I might make a few typos. Today I ate about 500 calories. I was trying to keep under 200, but my parents wanted to go to the fair, and all they is is fucking fat greese food. Well I don't want any one to know whats going on in my life (funny how I shut people out, eh?), so I got this really lean meat thing, that was grilled with like no fat, and what fat that was on it, I threw away even the littlest bits I could find. SO MANY FUCKING DAMN POPUPS I CAN"T EVEN GOD DAMN TYPE OUT A SENTENCE. I fucking hate my computer. I baby say, and I had half a nutrigrain bar while the kids were napping, and a diet right which contains no calries. For breakfast I had honeydew melon, which is mostley water, and at the fair I got a snow cone which was 65 calories, did you know for a big thing of cotton cady, its only about 45 calries per serving, and their is only two servings? Its not that bad if you are craving something sweet, just make sure to run your ass off to get rid of all of the carbs that you put into your body (should be that hard, cotton candy melts down to nothing). The weird thing is right now I'm not dizzy, tired, nor do I have a headache.
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